I recently observed that I treat Darcy differently when her hair is neatly done. It is not that I mean to, I just do. When her hair is done I am more patient and affectionate with her. I am slower to anger because I look at her and think, "She is so sweet, my goodness, I can't get mad at that cutie face." But when her hair is not done and it is a mop around her face with a big rats nest in the back, I am not so patient and I get mad at her more.
So after realizing this and over analyzing it, I have come up with some possible reasons that I would treat her differently. (This also applies to the boys, but their messy to neat looks are less drastic, so not as noticeable.
Unkempt hair represents
-her defiance to not let me comb it
-my lack of concern for outward appearances
-to other people that I am not taking good care of her
-a crazy mop that needs a trim
Tidy hair with bows or clips represents
- her cooperation
- pleasing me
-it shows other people that I am taking care of her
-she looks soooo pretty
When she was two she would fight me all the time to not comb her hair. I finally got smart and gave her a choice. "Would you like your hair in a ponytail or just combed?" Most of the time she would choose to juxt have it combed. At least it wasn't so crazy that way. After discovering Fancy Nancy a while ago I was able to convince her to do it fancy. She would let me do it and then take it out within a few minutes. Sometimes she would leave it in long enough to go to church. She would look like a honey walking in to sacrament meeting and like a rag-a-muffin walking out.
So we keep buying cute clips and hair things and keep trying. She has gotten better. She will leave it in half a day or more. I feel bad that I treat her differently so I try to relax about appearances. I want her to always feel beautiful crazy hair and all.
I told this idea to AJ and he sgreed. Then I had a new thought. Does AJ treat me differently when my hair is done? Even if he doesn't think he does or mean to? When I have no makeup and my hair is in a bun, does he want to be sweet and affectionate with me? When I have on makeup and my hair is shiny and curled will he want to be sweet to me then? Epiphany!! Why does it always surprise me when appearance makes a difference in the way we are treated. Because that is not my focus or as important to me a cleaning the house, caring for kids needs, and sleep. Balance is the answer.
2 comments:
I love the insight here. I have to admit that I do the same thing with Mark and students. I think it's the natural-man, socialized part of us. And I want you to know that ALL little girls, regardless of whether they love hair bows, headbands and the like, leave a place they entered looking precious, looking rather disheveled. I cannot tell you how many headbands, clips, ponytail holders, etc. I have in my possession at the end of every single day of Kindergarten. I cringe at the wasted money...And I realized how conditioned my husband is to me looking a certain way when yesterday he commented on my not-so-cute outfit and air-dried hair with laughter and disbelief. I thought to myself that morning, I'm just gonna not pay attention to it today, it's summer and I don't have to! Then we ended up going to Fashion Valley of course. That's what I get. So when people ask me incredulously,"do you always look like that?", I say, "YES, I do! Because let me tell you what happens when I don't..."
My sweet girls usually have their hair out within an hour of me doing it. Even if I did do it in the morning, Jared would have no idea by the time we pick him up around 6pm - they both always have messy birds nest hair with sticky food in it. hehe
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